Now Playing: WHY LOVE FAILS..... By SUNDAY WILL OBINNA EJIANYA
Topic: WHY LOVE FAILS
WHY LOVE FAILS ...... My perspective
By Sunday Obinna Ejianya ( Prince WILL)
The Best Life Experience is To Love and Be Loved back...but most times this wish hatches negative.
From the profusion of my ardent experiences in the matters as regarding love and relationship, It is my pleasure to write this eminent and delicate chapter on this four lettered word "Love" and I believe that after reading this article my friends who have been either inexperienced or beaten and battered by the intricacies and ethics of this emotional adventurous terrain would have a possible and lasting solution to whatever negative notion they may have incurred on this subject matter as I know that Love as its name implies should be an exciting and euphoric experience to those involved in it instead of what is mostly obtainable today. I chose to say something on this subject matter because I know that this word "Love" has done more harms than good to people's mindsets and life as appalling and ironical to its literal meaning and attributes. Many people have lost their happiness forever and many have built a monument of hatred in their heart against one gender or kind of people because of their sad and appalling experience in the terrain of love adventures. Many have committed untold regrettable atrocities against themselves or those they pledged to love just because they found Love that they hoped to be a good experience turned out to be a haunt and dilemma to their innocent unsuspecting heart.
Love according to English dictionary meanings is explained as Any object of warm affection or devotion. A deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction. A strong positive emotion of regard and affection.
In some other meanings as expressed by individual views, love is a kind feeling to be nice to some one. Love is showing attraction and care for someone. Love is doing something to please someone than yourself. And so on etcetera. Many people have different perspective views about what Love really is including the views you also have. But am not going to talk in affiliation to the paradigmatic meanings of love . I am going to talk of love from phenomenal, divine and experience perspectives having also regards to the normal views people have about Love because all of these views are still in one way or the other, attributes of Love.
Therefore, I want to first of all introduce you to the faces of love, which are the springboards from which every attribute of love comes.
Love generally is made up of three major faces which are: Agape (Divine, selfless,sacrificial, true nature of love), Philos (Philia: intense or unusual attraction to; fondness; loving ), and Eros (er? tikos, erotic: sexual love or desire) These are the three principal aspects that bred all other manifestations and experiences which we always talk about when we have love in mind. First is the Agape love which is the divine Love that God has for humans which cuts across all odds and boundaries created by humans even when they talk about love or practice love. Second is Philos,a greek word meaning philanthropy, which is the face of Love that entails giving to others. This is an aspect of love that should be completely non-egocentric; the third is Eros, which is the erotic/emotional face of Love, which we commonly express as Love, which also comes with romance and passion. I want to bring to your knowledge that it is only when the first face of Love, Agape, dominates in every other feeling of love experience that we embrace and have true love.
However, I am going to be elaborate in this context of the erotic face of love which is the most experienced and expressed love aspect in the life of people which has effected many problems, sorrows, fears, agony and confusion in the minds and lives of people. I'm going to treat this matter in a manner that people will be emancipated from the ugly garb of shrewdness, fear, and sadness that this experience has adorned them with.
Love as it concerns our lives as humans living on earth could be expressed as the emotions and feelings we have towards something or somebody, the ethical relationships we show to each other and people, and the joy and satisfactions we gain from each other and within the people which may lead to good or bad ending or continuity.
Before I continue, I at this point disregard the notions of many learned and respectable people who are of the idea that love is different from infatuation or that infatuation, passion/passion for sex and other desires, romance, affections are not love. This is because I know that love entails more than we could just enumerate but it all depends on the feelings we have or derive; the satisfactions we expect and the intents or motives for desiring these. Is it good or bad motive ? If we have good intentions for desiring and offering satisfactions then we have love in our heart but if we have bad intentions then we have the opposite which is hatred. I am saying that many things were done with good motives and intentions but the resultant condition of the actions may be dangerous or favorable but the outcome is not a deterrent to the good motives initiated before the actions were carried out. This means that some gestures of Love could result to negative effects and yet the lovely motive should not be eliminated or condemned. I also refute the disbelief of some people on Love at first sight. Love is a natural instinct divinely imparted in every soul human or animal which could be ignited and has tendencies of growth and relapse but it never dies because it is a natural instinct living in the soul. So Love could trigger off at sight based on some attractive extra-sensory perceptions hidden in the soul of a being but the fact is that the love may come in a minute or minimal form which some people normally prefer to say it is likeness and not yet love. What you feel when you see something or somebody and gets attracted to it, him/her is the impulse of love though I can agree with you to say that it is still undeveloped or under-developed. I disregard the ideas of people who say they dont believe me when I see a girl in a party and say, "oh baby I love u". Every relationship starts from first contacts which may come by eye contact and sometimes words or voice contacts and sometimes contacts through photograph or picture views. Love is a concept that comes from the soul to the heart and could be conceived as triggered by any sort of attraction. You should note that love is always contacted and built on attraction although the attraction may be a pseudo, seeming one or real natural attraction. But as long as the attraction is real and maintained, it triggers love and nurtures it to growth and conveys it to deeper and more attractions and this is when Love is seen to be growing and becoming stronger especially when the existence of this real attraction is found from both people involved in this erotic experience. At this point, the other attributes of love have been also accommodated in this relationship and then passion and what we call infatuation could be noticed. Infatuation makes these ones involved objects of extravagant, passion, feigned foolishness, strong admiration and strong devotion for satisfaction of each other. At this time, people around these ones would say "oh what a lovely duo". They Love each other so much. And peace and happiness are seen radiating in this unionism and it lasts till eternity if the center of attractions for each other were genuinely found and maintained. Because things only fall apart when the center no longer holds .However, if this tendencies relapse then people would say "oh they were infatuated and never loved". But I refute this notion. Love can happen at first site. It may grow or die in time depending on the genuiness and degree of the attraction that ignited the initial feeling of love.
You may now choose to ask me why some love (feeling of love) relapse or tend to diminish after attaining or reaching some trusted tendencies or apogees; in that people think the love is now beyond catastrophy. My answer to this question, which almost everyone has in mind has been the reason why I have been meandering in explanations of what love and its attributes look like. I want to factually and analytically reveal and put to the knowledge of whosoever that has been bothered by this question the true reasons why relationships that we thought was found on true love failed.
The reasons are in two dimensions and forms, vis a vis:
1.The attractions.
2. The rejection or neglect for any of the faces of Love.
As I had explained and talked on attraction as the real element that triggers the emotion or feeling of love for the first instance, note that whenever the conception of love is initiated or triggered there is always a center of attraction from either or both of the involved persons. This attraction is normally perceived by contacts through any of the sense organs. Sight, hearing, tastes, perception of odors, thoughts and other means of contacts. These attractions when perceived therefore triggers the instincts and love is conceived though in minute undeveloped form. You may call it likeness at this stage but I call it love-yet-to- be -developed
As I explained earlier, the attractions sometimes may be feigned or unreal or may be mistakenly ascertained or perceived by either of the two people involved or both and this turns out to relapse the conception of love they had. This could be experienced when some one hoped or wished that the opposite person might be something expected but just to later find out that what he/she presumed was wrong. This makes the notion and conception of tender love to relapse and if a relationship has been ensued before this finding, it calls for a break down in the relationship and the conception never matured.
Also, unreal attraction on one or both sides of the people involved could result to relapse in the love conceptions(if there had been any) and break of relationship if already ensued. Unreal attraction is found when someone is attracted to some one just for some frivolous and wicked or egocentric reasons. In his or her mind, he or she knows that no genuine attraction is perceived and therefore there could not be a genuine conception and if unknowingly to the opposite person a relationship is ensued, sooner than later the relationship must fall unless the other one with unreal attraction later found or perceived a genuine and real attraction and then a conception of Love could be made and the relationship has a tendency of smooth growth. This happens some times when people venture into things or relationship with unreal motives but later got trapped into the relationship due to new thrills they later discovered .... to be continued
PART 2
As I've said earlier that Attraction is the major principal factor that triggers the conception of Love, Expectation of imaginary attractions could also cause Love to relapse and break relationships if already in existence. This happens when someone is always in expectation of unavailable points of attraction from the opposite partner. This results to compares of qualities, ethics, material acquisitions and many points of expected attractions by this person and when these imaginary attractions are not available in the opposite person involved, the person in expectation or demand of this things loses interes and this could lead to relapse in love concepts and breakdown of relationships if already ensued.
Having talked on the problems while Love can fail as caused by "Attraction" factors, lets now look at the other cause in the failures of Love, which also is a major cause of breakdown in relationships. This factor should not be treated with negligence or nonchalance because it has been one major backbone of successful relationships and the neglects has also been major backbone cause of breakdown in relationships, which were formally built on Love.
Whenever these two faces of Love, Agape and philia:(Phillantropy) is neglected or is void in erotic relationships be it marriage, dating, friendship, or family, communal and professional relationships, it always degenerates to failures and breakdown in the relationship.
In love bound relationships whether marriage, dating or love affair as we may call it; It is always necessary that the people involved must be selfless as they try to ensure and enhance each others satisfactions. In a relationship where giving is restricted whereas desires are present or requests are made, this creates room for suspicion and feeling of dissatisfactions. This happens when a partner doesnt care about the need of the other partner in a relationship and even when a request is made for a substance, material or immaterial which is available or in the possession of the other partner, the demand or request is denied. This creates suspicion and feeling of dissatisfaction whereby the person whose demand was denied feels that his/her partner keeps this substance for some one else and and he or she may start to wonder who should that someone be. At this point there is a tendency that love could relapse and the relationship could be affected and if this relapse is not controlled, it could degenerate to other factors like lack of confidence, lack of trust and unreliability which are strong indispensable features that their absence in a relationship whichever, causes a break down in relationship. Also, whenever giving is one sided in a relationship, it also creates a feeling of one sided acclaimed self-importance and leads to relapse of Love concepts. This happens when in a relationship, one person does all the giving. Giving in this context does not only mean material giving but entails all sorts of giving, material, services and immaterial things. Note that it is a natural phenomenon that every one's heart gets easily gladdened by gifts, materially or financially. Lack of it affects relationship especially when it could be provided.
Another strong cause of relapse of love conceptions and failures in love bound relationships as I've mentioned earlier is the neglect or deficiency of the "Agape" face of Love. As a matter of fact, most relationships that were built on love failed just because the people involved in the affair or relationship failed to take recognition and practice the agape characteristics, which forms the real true love. Agape is the characteristics of Love seen in the natural love of God for man. This love cuts across all odds. This kind of love is Kind, patient, does not brag, is not arrogant, it is not jealous, it does not get bored, it is not selfish, does not have grudges, does not take offence. Is contented, not easily provoked, believes in truth and is truthful, Believes all things, hopes in all good things to come, endures all things, it is caring. This is the things that makes love to be a true love and many times when relationship does not observe or entail these attributes, it tends to have some cracks and if not checked it calls for a break down of a relationship that was hoped to have been built on love. To elaborate on this agape as it really affects relationships and love affairs; I want to say that Love relapses and relationships could fail whenever any of the partners involved wears the following characters as was also enumerated above. I want to talk on few characteristics that plays more conspicuous role in building or destroying relationships as they links to other characteristics. These characteristics include:
Jealousy: For a relationship to last on true love, the people involved must control the impulse of jealousy in them. Over jealousness could make someone to act ignorantly in suspicion against the action of his/her partner thereby leading to miss-trust and when there is no more trust in a relationship, it brings about discontentment and encourages unfaithfulness. Whenever you allow your mind to be filled by excessive impulse of jealousy, you will no longer see the actions and movements of your partner as sincere and honest one. You misinterpret his/her words, actions and movements (like phones calls, appointments) to be a dishonest one. This creates discontentment in you because you feel that your partner is now sharing other unfaithful relationships and as a result you might easily fall to any tendency of unfaithful acts since you have lost trust on your partner. When unfaithfulness begins to exist in a relationship, sooner than later; the relationship faces some problems that may lead to breakdown.
Arrogance is another menace of relationships that were supposed to be on true Love. This happens when one partner in a relationship feels that he/she is so superior to the other partner. This may be because of educational, financial, physical, and other material advantages that one may have above the other. This problem is mostly noticed when the female partner are in possession of any of these advantages above the male partner. For instance, the females tends to look down on the male when they notice that they are so beautiful, so educated, have a better job and more income, from a better family than the male partner. Whenever there is this feeling of superiority complex, the partner that feels superior is bound to display some audacious characters whereby he/she feels that he/she could do whatever he/she likes and whenever he/she likes to do them since the other partner is irrelevant. The acclaimed superior partner therefore becomes arrogant and breaks the norms of true love and this inevitably results to dissatisfaction, discontentment, lack of trust, unfaithfulness, relapse in the conceptions of Love and eventual breakdown of the formerly sweet relationship.
Agape love breeds and encourages the existence of trust, confidence and reliability which are other major back bones for successful true love, relationship or marriage.
For more explanations or enquiry, please write to Sunday Obinna Ejianya (Prince WILL)
